My Reality

It's after 3am and I haven't been to sleep yet. I think I maybe got 4 hours last night. I can't sleep. My mind wont stop. All I can think about is her and I just want to cry. My reality for such a long time was in the four walls of my hospital room. I don't even know how I got through it, except for one day at a time and right now that doesn't seem bearable to me. All that time I don't think that I ever thought that it would end this way. I only thought of how hard it was to get one more day further. Just had to be patient and endure the pain and discomfort for a little while longer. This is so hard. I am fighting to accept my life for what it is now and I just can't because it feels so unreal. I feel like the last eight months were a dream and at times a nightmare. How do I face what is here? My daughter is in the ground in a cemetary. How is that real? I miss her sweet face. I miss every piece of her. My heart is so broken. I wish so much that I could wake up and it would all be a bad dream that she is still here in my belly and we are still waiting to hold her. It was not enough time. I want her back. The aching is so all consuming. I read the stories of other women who have lost their babies just as recently. I see the pictures and note how close in age and size they are to my sweet baby Capri and I feel like it isn't real. That couldn't have possibly happened to me too, but it did and reality is crashing down on me with this very real ache in heart that feels like it can never be healed. Then to compound it all, I can no longer have children. My choice to have a "Rainbow baby" is forever taken away from me. I wish so many things were different.