My Reality

It's after 3am and I haven't been to sleep yet. I think I maybe got 4 hours last night. I can't sleep. My mind wont stop. All I can think about is her and I just want to cry. My reality for such a long time was in the four walls of my hospital room. I don't even know how I got through it, except for one day at a time and right now that doesn't seem bearable to me. All that time I don't think that I ever thought that it would end this way. I only thought of how hard it was to get one more day further. Just had to be patient and endure the pain and discomfort for a little while longer. This is so hard. I am fighting to accept my life for what it is now and I just can't because it feels so unreal. I feel like the last eight months were a dream and at times a nightmare. How do I face what is here? My daughter is in the ground in a cemetary. How is that real? I miss her sweet face. I miss every piece of her. My heart is so broken. I wish so much that I could wake up and it would all be a bad dream that she is still here in my belly and we are still waiting to hold her. It was not enough time. I want her back. The aching is so all consuming. I read the stories of other women who have lost their babies just as recently. I see the pictures and note how close in age and size they are to my sweet baby Capri and I feel like it isn't real. That couldn't have possibly happened to me too, but it did and reality is crashing down on me with this very real ache in heart that feels like it can never be healed. Then to compound it all, I can no longer have children. My choice to have a "Rainbow baby" is forever taken away from me. I wish so many things were different.

I fixed it Dad. Just for you.

P.S. The kids say hello

Sorry that there hasn't been a post in eons and it will probably be a while before the next. We don't have the internet to keep up and well, we are busy eating our chocolate.

Saturday mornings.

Chandler and Katii were a little full of ....um well I'm not sure what of.... Saturday morning and want to share with you their artist performance. Just glad to be home and in their jammies with nothing to do.

Oh, for the love of...

Mascara! Yup that's right , I said mascara. Abby's favorite medium of choice is currently my mascara. I was hoping that it was just a fluke that she chose to create artwork with the old mascara I had carefully placed in the very bottom of the trash can in the bathroom. No, oh, no! She loves it and has now resorted to stealing my new favorite mascara to fulfill her desires.

Condamned (Oops)

My husband has reminded me that it's been a while since I have posted. So I shall share with you that I have been terribly busy, drowning my sorrows in cheese and chocolate. (Not together!) I spend most of the time I am home with the kids trying to keep the house from caving in around us and plotting how to best organize our home. Chris and I took a class together on Saturday. It was really nice to get to spend some time together out doing something. Thank you Grandma!

Most days I hate my second job and want to quit. It is a struggle managing our home and children, however, the part that gets me the most are the movie goers. In a world struggling with wars and poverty these people throw toddler-esque (I know its not a real word) tantrums over BUTTER! It's not even real butter people! Oh, and let me add that I checked the nutrition info posted and you get 14 grams of FAT in each Tablespoon. So all of you butterholics that complain that your popcorn is DRY (? it's freakin' popcorn people! ?)... the joke is on you! Also your efforts might be better focused on the really important things like say...your neighbor that just lost his job, the lack of education going on in some of our public schools, the justice system, or how about the kids on the other side of town that go to sleep hungry at night. There are a few more things more worthy of getting worked up about than the number of ice cubes in your cup. Okay I think that it's out of my system for the moment. Back to things of a less serious but maybe equally dramatic nature.

We have two bathrooms in our house. The downstairs bathroom has been designated as the kids bathroom. They have failed to show any respect for their bathroom it is continually FILTHY and so...
the bathroom has now been locked from the inside and condemned! It has been slightly annoying having the kids ask every few minutes to use "ours" and to check after, but I am really hoping to get a message across. Maybe in a week or two they will be more ready to flush the toilet without being asked. (Also Chris felt I should have posted a picture of the condition of the downstairs toilet and I felt that it was necessary to save you from the horror.

Anger. No answers. Just feel peace pray and leave it in his hands I guess.
Helaman 5:12. D&C 6:34. And to put a smile on my face... D&C 10:5.